smile because it happened. Dr. Seuss is a bit of a genius, I think. This is the exact view I'm taking, now that we're over. Officially. Even typing that out where I can read it makes me cry. Tonight, he asked for a finality...I thought it was final already, so that threw me by surprise. I didn't realize he was hanging on, as I was. Am. I still am, and probably always will. Some of the best memories of my life....actually basically all of the best memories of my life, were over the course of the past two years. I discovered more of myself than I even knew was in me. I grew. I developed, emotionally and intellectually. I watched my boyfriend, then fiance, then husband, walk away from us thirteen times over the last two years. Two years today, actually. Each time it felt like he ripped a little piece of my heart out. I know why he did it - he just wanted to know he was loved. He wanted me to ask him to stay. So I did, over and over. And when it all boils down to it, no matter how much we love each other and how much we screwed up in ways that are probably fixable, I don't trust that he will be committed, and he doesn't trust that I won't cheat. Where do you go from there? How do you build up from a broken foundation?
I don't want to regret the past two years. I regret the mistakes. I regret the lack of communication. I regret a lot of the negative. But, while the negative seems to have outweighed the positive in the end, the positive memories are definitely more abundant in number. Those are how I want to remember us - laughing our asses off driving through the mountains, picking up seashells for the kids, arguing over the color of his eyes or the ridiculousness of my sole-less moccasins. I want to forget the rest.
I miss him. I have no idea how I'm going to continue life without my wingman. I'm not entirely sure I even can. I do know that I'd rather try to live without him and hurt, than live with him, hurt, and wind up hating him. I can never allow myself to hate him.
I want to remember, positively. I want him to be someone about which I smile.
I want to stop hurting.
3 comments:
I would have been committed. I would have stayed committed. I would have stayed for the best of times and the worst of times. I would have loved you as you and I have never loved before. I would have stayed. I wanted to stay. I wanted us. I.. still do. I love you more than you will ever begin to understand. You're my best friend. My wife. My lover. My everything. And that will never change.. not now, not ever.
Oh, Shai, I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain, but do you know what? This shall pass and soon you'll be feeling better and ready to meet your soul mate ;). I've only been in two relationships, and getting over the first one was quite hard, but if you guys were not happy together or didn't trust each other, then you know it wasn't meant to be. You'll find your better half, you'll see! ;D
Tight hugs and hope you're feeling better by now! ;)
Miki.
Awww - break ups are the worst... surround yourself with friends and give it time. I actually broke off an engagement 2 years ago and there were times I didn't know what I'd do... but ya know - if something is meant to work out, it will. Hugs!!!
XO
Pearls & Paws
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